As a child, I did not allow myself to cry before people.
Whenever I was hurting, I hid my tears from everyone, even from my mother and father. Instead, I only released my tears by myself, smothered in pillows and blankets. I usually desired a shoulder to cry on because crying by myself was exhausting.
In my household, you simply cried about some things (e.g. death and tragedy). My parents taught me crying was for that weak. I did not want anyone calling me weak; I needed to be strong. I attempted to build up thicker skin within my teenage years, but suppressing my emotions made me angry and anxious. It had not been until recently, I found out I was uncomfortable with vulnerability.
When you cry, you are vulnerable.
I haven't felt comfortable trusting one to see me and love me for the reason that vulnerable place, yet I craved comfort and validation. I admit I am sensitive. Actually, I fully believe I was born this way, delicate and inventive, a stark contrast from my siblings. My mother never understood why I had been “so darn emotional” and “out of control.” I wished to express my feelings completely; my fear of crying was greater than my anxiety about lashing out.
Thankfully, I’m no longer afraid of crying.
It required a long time to be fine with crying. Actually, now, I cry a lot. I cry during the day, at night, within my 2020 Jetta. I've also cried in the bathtub, on the phone, as well as with my mother and dad consoling me as an adult. I cried on my small 23rd birthday, and I cried yesterday holding myself along with trembling hands. I am not embarrassed with it anymore. I desired permission to cry, after i got that, I discovered freedom in expressing my true feelings.
If life hasn't educated me in anything, it has taught me that it is OK to cry and to express the pain you are feeling because pain is just part of life. I'm thankful will be able to now express my pain openly and process it. I hope that during these words, you can find the strength to express your pain through crying, too.